The Pillars of Deciding to Love

There are so many elements that make up a great, long-term, romantic relationship. But here are a few that we are going to bring attention to on Deciding to Love. The list will be actively updated as we see room for improvement, so don’t hesitate to share your thoughts!

  • If you’ve truly decided to love, you’ve set aside all alternatives - per the latin root of the word - and are ready to put your head and heart together with your partner to actively and consistently work at the relationship. This decision is really a prerequisite to all other pillars.

  • True intimacy in a relationship requires trust, and trust requires absolute honesty. There’s no room for even a white lie in a romantic relationship - and if you think there is, you’re afraid of something. Address any existing fears so you can be completely honest with your partner.

  • 5-year-olds fight over who is going to do the work. 14-year-olds wait to see who is going to do it. Let’s not be 5-year-olds or 14-year-olds. Be proactive in taking responsibility for your behavior and continuing to learn to love your partner even better. If you both do this, you’ll be unstoppable.

  • You’re on the same team. Act like it. Your partner should always feel like you have their back - especially in challenging conversation or circumstances. There should be no reason you should be out to get them in any way, and if there is, it’s time to address that now. Intimacy is encouraged by the ability to trust that your partner has your back, no matter what.

  • Both should be clear about what they want from the relationship from the outset, and commit to that direction unless it's agreed upon otherwise. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don’t add an unnecessary layer of complication to communication and connection by constantly using vague or non-specific language, or subjective definitions of words. Speak with the simplicity of an 8-year-old, but with the maturity of a 58-year-old.

Img by Jonathan Borba

  • We know this can be a layered and delicate topic, but our individual and relational health are both significantly more vibrant and healthy with affectionate and intimate touch. And ladies, before you roll your eyes, men in relationships need sex for felt intimacy. Let’s work through our collective psychological baggage - and maybe some amateurish touching skills - so we can get to enjoying the wonderful gift of physical intimacy of all kinds in our relationships!

  • We tend to forget that part of what drew us to our partner in the first place was the visual experience. Why not continue to give each other that gift by staying fit? It’ll encourage the raw desire that we all enjoy, improve performance in the bedroom, and the associated discipline will translate to the rest of your life in wonderful ways! Oh yeah, and you'll enjoy a much better quality of life much later into life!

  • Saving your efforts at the relationship for the monthly date night or occasional holiday…and you wonder why you aren’t enjoying the relationship? Small efforts consistently over times adds up to something wonderful. Consistency wins!

  • Relationships are complicated enough without maintaining unnecessary complexity in your day to day life! Simplify and automate as much of the mundane parts of your daily life as possible to maximize mental and emotional space for the relationship. To start, automate bill pay, hire a weekly or monthly housekeeper, and get the kid down the street to mow your lawn. And now you can give at least part of that regained time to your relationship!

  • Yes, you're a couple - hopefully a deeply intimate couple at that - but losing individual identity will kill the spark in your relationship. It's important to have your own hobbies and interests, your own time with your friends, and even just quiet time to yourself!

Img by Devon Divine

Are You a Mental or Physical Health Professional?

Are you a therapist, medical doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, or other mental or physical health professional? If so - and you’d be willing to share your perspective on any of the relevant pillars above, we’d love to have you on the show! Please submit your information below, and Nathan will be in touch within 1 business day!